To Have Loved and Lost
by megami tsuki195
Summary: What would it take for Nami to show her true feelings for Sanji and listen to her heart?Something dramatic. That's what.
1. Chapter 1

To Have Loved and Lost

Sanij x Nami

Sap? Naturally. Angst? Well that goes without saying.

Language and intense situations.

Nami POV

Key:

---- :flashback of some kind

>: Inner Nami. I guess that's what I'll call it.

My first One Piece Fan fiction and only my second fan fiction ever.

Part 1

Chased by Marines again. Ever since Luffy's bounty went up and Zoro got added to the wanted list the pursuits have been more and more frequent. Plus they've gotten persistent.

They found us while we stopped at a jungle island somewhere on the Grand Line. We stopped to find supplies and so Luffy could go exploring.

---"Adventure! Woohoo! Let's Go!" Luffy giddy as hell ---

Well it just so happened that an Armada, yes, a freaken ARMADA of Marine ships, was docked on the opposite side of the island. Why they were there, I have no idea. We met somewhere in the middle. And now we're running for our lives. Again.

We run desperately to reach the Going Merry.

I see it. It's there in our sights.

"Ussop! Sanji kun!" I call to our two fastest runners "Run ahead and get the ship ready to sail so we can make a quick escape. Luffy! Zoro! Stall and buy us some time!"

You don't need to tell Ussop twice to run. He's off like a bat outta hell.

You don't need to tell Luffy and Zoro twice to stand up and fight.

"Gomu Gomu no…."

"Santoru…"

I don't need to tell Sanji twice to do, well, anything.

"Haaaii Nami san 3" comes Sanji's typical response and he's about to dash off behind Ussop but stops."

"Sanji! What the hell are you standing around for? Go help Ussop!" But he just stands there looking shocked for a second. Then he suddenly starts running towards me.

"What the! Sanji-"

"Nami san! Look out!" Sanji leaps towards me. I hear a gun shot. Sanji hits me and we both go flying.

I feel a sharp pain in my head and everything goes black.

……

"Ittai" My head is killing me. How long have I been out?

I hear the sound of fighting still.

Not that long I take it. We need to hurry up and get out of here.

I try to move but can't. There's a heavy weight on my body.

What's that?

I recall the last thing I remember: Sanji flying towards me.

Oh ya.

I open my eyes and see Sanji on top of me.

"Sanji-kun! Get off! You're heavy!" I shout. But he doesn't move.

"Sanji kun! This is no time to be messing around! Get off!" still no response. A cold sinking feeling washes over me.

"Sanji kun?" I start to shake him

"Sanji kun! Wake up!" I feel something warm and wet on my hand. I look at it and it's covered in blood.

My heart seems to stop.

I'm over come with horror and dread.

"SANJI!"

I pull all of my strength to push Sanji off me.

I look down at him.

He's still breathing.

I put my ear to his chest.

His heart is still beating, but it seems weak.

He's still alive. Thank goodness.

Sanji stirs. He coughs.

There's blood. He's coughing up blood.

Oh god.

I start shaking.

No.

Don't panic. I can't panic. Sanji needs me to stay calm.

"Sanji. Sanji hang on." I sit Sanji up and hold him close to me.

Help.

I need help.

Chopper.

I need to get Chopper over here.

I scream at the top of my lungs for Chopper.

My eyes go blurry. My face is burning hot. I can't breathe through my nose anymore.

The world in chaos around us fades away.

I can't hear anything but Sanji's shallow breathing.

I can't feel anything but Sanji's weak fading pulse.

Oh god.

There so much blood.

I scream for Chopper again. Where is he?

Don't die Sanji. Don't you dare die on me. If you do, I'll never forgive you.

Never.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

The last few hours are all a blur.

Somehow we all got to the ship.

Somehow we escaped the Marine Armada.

Chopper kicked everyone out so he could work.

Sanji's life is in his hands now.

Sprits are low.

Even Luffy, who usually can manage to be cheerful in any dreary situation, is depressed.

Everyone's worried.

"That dumb-ass is too stubborn to kiss off now." Even Zoro, who never seems to get along with Sanji, goes off to sulk, worried like the rest of us.

This is the closest one of us as come to death since I got sick that one time.

Though this seems more dire.

With a sickness, there's a chance medicine can fix everything. Just find the right medicine, take it, rest and you're good as new. Even with a serous illness that can't be cured, you still know what you can do for it. You can be told what to expect, you know how it could end, you have time to make preparations…

But with something like this…

With something like this, there's just so many more factors involved, so many unknowns.

What if the bullet hit a vital organ or artery?

What if it gets logged somewhere that's too dangerous to remove.

Dying isn't the only bad thing that could happen to Sanji.

He could become paralyzed.

He could have damage that leaves him in pain for the rest of his life.

"That idiot." I'm crying again.

I'm hiding in my Tangerine Grove so no one can see me cry.

The Tangerine grove that Sanji so thoughtfully planted on the ship for me.

The grove that he so lovingly guards from Luffy and helps me tend.

The grove from which he takes fruit to make "Sanji's Tangerine Smoothie of Love". A drink he makes only for me and has become one of my favorites on a hot day.

"You stupid idiot." I can't stop crying. "Who the hell told you to risk your life for me."

I can't lose another person I care about. It hurts. The thought of loosing him hurts so much. More than when I lost Bellmare-san. How could that be? How could it hurt this much?

>"Because you love him."

"I loved Bellmare-san too! How can this hurt more?"

>"This is a whole new level of love."

"How the hell did that happen? How did he end up becoming so dear to me? How did he get past my walls and barriers? That sneaky bastard."

>"Because he's so kind, caring, thoughtful, chivalrous, virtuous, pure…"

"Virtuous? Pure? He hits on anything that looks good in a skirt."

>"But you're his favorite. He puts you above all others. No matter how many girls he flirts with he'd never do more than have tea with them. No matter how many girls he may go out with he'd always come home to you. He's loyal, in his own way. And he does all these things for you. Things you ask him to, things you don't ask him to. And little by little he's gotten to know you simply by watching and observing you…

"And just why the hell does he do all that?"

>"Because he loves you."

"Why! How could such a sweet, kind, pure person love a selfish, self centered, tainted person like me? I treat him like shit. I hardly thank him for anything he does for me. I use him the way I would use a tool. How could any one love someone like that?"

>"…"

"Well?"

>"I don't know. You'll have to ask him."

Suddenly I hear a door open and close from below deck. I hear Chopper coming up. I bolt up and I'm at the railing without remembering moving.

I see Chopper come up. He looks drained. His fur is covered in Sanji's blood.

Chopper looks up and realizes everyone's starring at him. Before anyone asks Chopper speaks.

"I was able to remove the bullet. It missed anything critical by millimeters and didn't do any permanent damage. It did collapse his lung, but I was able to fix it. The thing that bothers me most is how much blood he lost. It would make me feel better if he could get a transfusion but none of us are his type. It's not life threatening, A transfusion would just help things along. If he gets through the night without anything major happening, he should be ok…" Tears start welling up in the little reindeer's eyes "I did the best I could. There's nothing more I can do."

"You did more than any of us could ever do doctor san." Says Robin kneeling down to Choppers level. "It's up to him now. You should get some rest."

"Robin." Chopper burst into tears. Robin takes the cuddly reindeer into her arms.

Everyone's tension is broken and we all feel a bit better.

My knees give way. I feel dizzy. I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding in. I remembered how to breathe again.

"Thank goodness. He should be ok. He's going to be ok. Yes. He's going to be ok. It's on him now to recover and I'll never forgive him if doesn't.


	3. Chapter 3

Sanji's been out for almost a week now.

Chopper says he's in the clear but it'll take a while for Sanji to recover the blood he lost. Even when he does wake up, he'll still be extremely weak. The best thing for him is to rest.

"Get better soon Sanji. We've had to put up with Ussop's cooking. Not that's bad; it's just crappy compared to yours."

I leave my room where Sanji is resting for now. My room is the only one with a comfy bed. I had no objection to it being used.

Something catches my eye as I pass the boys room.

It's Sanji's suit jacket.

I go in and pull it off the peg by his hammock it's hanging on.

I hold it close to me.

The fabric is high quality. Soft and feels good on the skin.

It's worn. Not tattered in the least, but has that well traveled quality. He's probably had this thing for a while.

It smells like cigarette smoke.

"Geez. How can I possibly like a guy that smokes? Such a disgusting habit."

But it's something I've come to tolerate and gotten use to. It's familiar and even comforting. It's part of Sanji. Part of who he is. Part of his split personalities. One moment flirting and lavishly showering complements on us girls, and in the next moment becoming brash and coarse when it comes to the other boys. He's a complete and utter dork and doesn't care, and somehow he makes it an endearing quality. His charisma attracts people. Luffy's the same way, Ussop too. They're so flamboyant and upbeat. When they're happy you can't help but to be happy too. Also when they're sad you can help being sad as well.

"Get better Sanji. You being out is such a downer."

I feel something inside his jacket.

I reach into the inner breast pocket and pull out Sanji's cigarette case.

Its antique, sterling sliver, engraved with an intricate design. I can tell it's worth a lot. It has the same worn well traveled feel to it his jacket does.

No else knows about Sanji's secret treasure.

--------

"Ne, Nami san. Can you hand me my jacket there on the table?"

I see Sanji's jacket and grab it. Something falls out and lands hard on the floor.

"Ah! Careful."

"Oops. Sorry" I bend down to get it. It landed under the table. It's a silver cigarette case. It popped open."

"Wow! Is that really silver? $$" I reach for it and look it over. "This is really nice. You could get a decent price for it. Who knew you had something nice like this."

"It was my grandfathers." He says as I stand up.

"Ah sentimental." I'm about to hand it back to him when I notice something. "Hm? What's this? A secret compartment?"

"Ah! Um… that's…"

Before Sanji can explain I open it and see a picture. "What's this? A picture of your long lost lover?" I tease

Sanji laughs uneasily. "Hardly." He makes a grab for it but I turn and hold it out of his reach.

I look closer at the picture. There are three people in it. One is a handsome young man with longish sandy hair. He has a wide happy grin and has his arm around the shoulders of a stunningly beautiful young woman. She has hair that's blonde, wavy and sweeps her shoulders. Part of it is pulled up to the side held by a lily shaped hair clasp. Her smile is soft and subtle but makes her eyes light up. The third person is a small boy the woman is holding on her hip. The boy is maybe 4 or 5 with blond hair and looks like he's laughing. The woman and boy both have curly eyebrows. I look up at Sanji.

"Sanji, this is…"

"Ya." He smiles softly.

So this is Sanji's family. You can tell right off that the man and woman are Sanji's mother and father. Sanji has his father's smile and his mother's fair features and blond hair. They're both tall and skinny the way Sanji is. His father was handsome with strong defined features. His mother was…well, absolutely gorgeous is an understatement really. Her hair seems to shine, her eyes seem to sparkle and her skin was pale and glowing as if she swallowed the moon.

"Your mother is so beautiful."

Sanji keeps smiling but his eyes become sad. "Ya. She was."

I feel a pang of empathy. So he lost his mother too. "I'm sorry."

Sanji shakes his head. "It's ok. You didn't know."

I take another look at the picture. They all look so happy.

I smile.

It makes me remember how happy I was with Bellmere san and Nojiko. I hand the case back to Sanji.

He looks at the picture and smiles lovingly at it for a minute before closes the case.

The way Sanji looked after that bothered me. His eyes became extremely sad, like he was going to cry. I've never seen Sanji like that before.

"It's a great picture" I comment "Every one looks so happy. Your parents seem like they really loved each other."

Sanji lit back up at that. The way he does when you tell him how good his cooking is or when he starts talking about All Blue.

"Ya. They really did. They were childhood friends."

Inwardly I sigh with relief. That's the Sanji I like to see.

He continues on "My old man was sooo in love with her. He worshiped my mother. He always told me: "Sanji! Women are the most wonderful and exquisite beings in this world. They're loving and caring and the bearers of life. You be sure to worship them like the Goddess they are."

I laughed. "Ah! So it's all the dad's fault."

Sanji only response was a giggling grin.

He went on "Nearly every other day he'd tell me: "Sanji! Your mother is the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world!"

I laughed. I'd believe that. The way Sanji carries on, he's such a hopeless romantic. But now I know he gets it from his father.

Sanji laughed to himself. "Then someone would usually joke and say: "Ya… So how'd she end up with a bum like you?" To which my dad would usually respond "Gee, I don't know…Hey honey! How'd a babe like you end up with a bum like me? And my mom would say something like:

"I got drunk and you knocked me up." Or "You have millions stashed away remember?" or "You made me dinner and slipped a love potion into my food." She'd always say something different every time. She was funny and clever like that. She was so radiant and friendly. Everyone loved her. She could make friends with anyone and could get even the shyest introvert to open up and talk. She was wonderful wife and mother so kind and caring and…and…" Sanji's words trailed off.

He became sad again.

His eyes got all shiny and his nose stated getting red.

It seemed like he really was going to cry this time.

"I miss her." He whispered after a bit of a pause.

Clinging to the cigarette case he was fighting the tears now. Fighting desperately and failing. He turned away from me as the first tear escaped.

He doesn't want me to see him cry. I know from my own experience to recognize he had to feel embarrassed.

Trying to be strong. Not wanting anyone to see you as weak.

He's fighting hard to not let himself be overcome by his emotions and loose it completely.

I understand how he must feel.

I walk over and put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

He tenses a bit and turns his head away from me.

"I know." I tell him "I miss her too."

He turns and looks at me surprised for a second. But then he makes the connection.

We have a moment.

One of those moments two people can have of complete understanding.

The feeling that says: "Yes. I know and understand completely."

Sanji gives an appreciative smile. He wipes his tears away.

Though his tears are gone he still looks depressed.

Depressed Sanji is no good. I have to fix it since it's kind of my fault. I think and remember something else about the picture.

"Ah!"

"Huh? What's wrong Nami san?"

"I just remembered something about the picture." His father had a chef's jacket on.

I smile at Sanji "The jacket your dad was wearing. A chef too?"

Sanji smiles again. And nods.

"Like father like son eh? Half as good as you?"

Sanji's lights back up again. "You bet! A great chef who was famous in North Blue. Though he and the owner of the place he worked got in a big fight. My father was the reason that place was so popular; he wanted to have a part ownership, but the guy refused. So my dad was like "Fine! I'll walk and start my own place." So we all moved to East Blue and he started his own place. That picture was taken when the restaurant first opened. Ever heard of the restaurant Celest?"

Come to think of it... "That super classy restaurant on the boardwalk of Monte Island that takes months to get a reservation at?"

Sanji smiled lighting up a cigarette. "That's the one. Celest was my mother's name."

Now I was super impressed. I'd been there once with one of my rich ex boyfriends (echem sucker who didn't know what hit him when I cleaned him out. Hey his dad was a pirate, what can I say. Plus he was an ass, and I was only with him for the money. One of the biggest hauls I made…but that's neither here nor there…)

It was our first date and he wanted to impress me. I'll give the guy props for that.

The place was amazing with a spectacular view of the sail boat harbor which was beautiful at sunset. The food was to die for. No wonder Sanji's cooking seemed familiar…

"Then your dad…"

Sanji cuts me off "Nah. My Dad's former apprentice runs things now. He's not bad at taking care of the place."

I wasn't going to ask him why he didn't take care of it. It seemed like a touchy subject. I mean, being in a place named after your beloved mother who's now gone. I can understand.

Instead I ask: "So are you ever going to start up your own place too?"

Sanji puts on one of those big trade mark grins guys get when they start talking big. Same as when Ussop starts telling his tall tales, when Luffy announces he's the Man who will become the King of Pirates, when Zoro talks about becoming the greatest swordsman in the world. All guys have one of those grins, but I like Sanji's the best.

With that grin he states "Of Course! When I find All Blue I'm gonna set up a restaurant right there smack in the middle of it! It'll be a place unlike anything else. I'll be able to make anything my imagination can dream up and people will come from all over the world! You'll have to make a reservation a year in advance." Sanji gives a big laugh. "It'll be great! And of course no matter how packed it may be at any given time I'll have always have a table reserved for The King of Pirates, The Worlds Best Swordsman, The Bravest Warrior of the Sea, The Greatest Doctor that's ever lived and naturally," He turns to look at me. "I'll have my best table reserved for the Worlds Greatest Navigator and Map Maker."

I smile. "Damn straight. There's no way I'd wait a year just to eat at some restaurant, no matter how good the food is."

"It all goes without saying my dear Nami san. And if you put my place on that World Map of yours, I'll let you eat for free."

I laugh out loud "Who are you kidding! You'd let me eat for free regardless."

He laughs too "True. You know me too well."

"Ah, what the heck." I say "The least I could do is put your place on the map. I'll have to if it's smack in the middle of All Blue. Though, you're gonna have to _find_ All Blue first."

"Oh don't worry I'll find it. Just wait and see…"

----------

I close Sanji's cigarette case. I close the lid on those happy smiling faces.

"That sneaky bastard. He threw me off guard and got past when my defenses were down.

Unforgivable.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm back again.

This is the third day in a row I've stayed sitting at Sanji's bedside.

It's starting into the second week.

We've docked the Going Merry in a secluded area of a small island.

No one could function.

And when I say no one I really mean me.

I couldn't function.

I couldn't think.

I couldn't watch our setting or do any navigation of any kind.

I would wander aimlessly around the ship and somehow, no matter what my original destination was, I'd end up next to Sanji.

No one said anything to me.

They all seemed to understand.

There was never an official request. It was hardly even implied. It just was.

This stealth, underlying, unspoken understanding.

We were all Nakama.

Friends who were more like family.

Family who were more like friends.

And with that we had developed these bonds that tied us together stronger than anything.

We were all connected.

If one of us tripped, we all tripped.

If one fell we all fell.

If one was happy we all were happy.

If one was sad we all were sad.

Why does it take tragic events like this to make you realize what's really important and dear to you?

Why can't you realize it before and appreciate it when you have it?

This has definitely opened my eyes.

It's made me realize how much I love the people I'm traveling with.

How much I love my friends.

My Nakama.

They all saw and understood the situation.

Without saying a word they knew what to do and acted.

Robin took over and navigated the ship to the small island.

The boys went for supplies and then we brought the ship around to an unpopulated area on the opposite side.

We took the ship as far up stream and we could so it couldn't be seen easily from the sea. We took down the flags with the Mugiwara Jolly Roger and bound up the main sail. That way, even if we are seen we wouldn't draw attention as a pirate ship. And to further ensure no one bothered us, Robin had the idea to fly a quarantine flag. A flag that warns others that there is sickness on a ship and cautions others to stay away.

And so now, we sit and wait.

And I'm here again tonight.

Sitting on the floor by my bed where Sanji is resting.

My head is on his chest.

I can hear his beating heart and feel it against my ear.

The steady rhythm echoes in my head.

I'm looking up at Sanji's peaceful sleeping face.

He really is quite handsome.

I smile. "You really are a prince."

I recall our confrontation with Baroque Works. Sanji took the code name Mr. Prince. He staged getting hurt to throw off the bad guys and came into rescue us.

"Sanji, you're a real knight in shining armor and you know it. All valiant and chivalrous. But what is the princess suppose to do when it's her prince who's the one under an enchanted sleep?"

I raise my head off Sanji's chest.

I look down onto his angelic face.

My fingers reach out to stroke his hair.

The back of my hand brush his cheek.

I bring my face closer to his and our lips touch.

Our first kiss.

Simple and chaste.

His lips are so warm and soft.

I kiss him.

I expect him to kiss me back.

He doesn't.

I pull away.

There's no response. Nothing. Not so much as a twitch.

"I guess it only works if you're a princess."

I sigh and lay my head back down on his chest.

I close my eyes and drown myself in the sound of his beating heart.

"Sanji, you fail. You fail as a prince. The prince isn't supposed to be the one sleeping while his princess and the whole kingdom worries sick. Our king is hungry and demands a feast. The black knight needs his sparring partner back. Our bard needs you to recover so the gallant tale he sings of you doesn't end in tragedy. The audience calls for a happy ending. Plus on top of that, your princess demands her royal pampering and praising. Where's my royal tangerine smoothie of love damn it!"

I'm crying again.

"You suck. Didn't your dad tell you it's not nice to make a girl cry? He'd be so disappointed in you if he knew."

I take his hand.

It's warm and soft.

His hands are so important to Sanji.

He takes care of them.

He doesn't use them to fight with.

Without them he can't work.

He can't create.

He's an artisan. To take away his hands would be to take away his livelihood.

Like taking away Zoro's swords, Robin's books, Choppers medicines, Ussop's tools.

Sanji not being able to cook would be like Luffy not being able to eat.

"Sanji…wake up already."

………

In my dream I'm surrounded in darkness.

I'm cold and lonely.

I feel lost.

I need something but there's no one around to give me anything.

I call out into the darkness.

Can anyone hear me?

I shed a tear.

Suddenly someone takes my hand.

I squeeze it and it squeezes back.

Next I feel something warm.

It surrounds me.

I cling to it and it wraps tightly around me.

I feel another hand on my head.

Big and strong yet warm, gentle and comforting.

I feel a kiss on my head next to the hand

There's a voice.

A kind tender whisper.

"I'm right here." It says

"Where? I can't see you."

"Then open your eyes."

"Sanji?"

……..

My eyes bolt open.

It's night time.

"I must have dosed off."

My legs are a sleep but I don't care.

I remember my dream.

It felt so real.

I recall the warm, gentle, comforting hand.

A tender kiss

----- _"I'm right here."_ ----

"Sanji."

I turn my eyes to look at Sanji's face.

It hasn't changed.

He's still sleeping peacefully.

"It was only a dream after all."

I move my head a little and feel a weight I hadn't noticed before.

I lift my head.

Sanji's hand drops onto his chest.

I bolt up right and a blanket falls off my shoulders.

I look down at the blanket that fell to the floor.

It's the extra throw I put on Sanji the other day.

Was it just a dream?

I squeeze his hand.

It squeezes back.

"Sanji." I breathe

Gently I nudge him.

"Sanji?"

His eyes flinch. "Mmm."

I gasp a smile.

Thank goodness.

"Sanji." A bit louder

He stirs. "Luffy…" He moans groggily "Don't eat that meat…I haven't even cooked it yet…"

I give a quiet laugh.

I move closer to his face and gently shake his arm. "Sanji kun."

He stirs again " 'Kasan…"

I'm a bit taken aback by that. Thinking about his mother.

"Sanji kun…"

" 'kasan…Dad got into your chocolate stash again."

I laugh at this. He's so cute.

I shake him a bit harder this time. "Oi! Sanji!"

He jolts and becomes alert at this but his eyes are still closed. He gives a tired groan.

"Haaaai! I'll come and start breakfast already. Just gimme a sec."

Unconsciously Sanji reaches over to the wall.

When he doesn't find anything he starts to pat around.

When his hand still comes up empty he turns his head to the wall and cracks open his sleepy eyes.

"Where'd my jacket go?" he asks himself

Slowly he becomes more awake and takes in where he actually is.

He closes his eyes and tries to recall things.

It clicks with him after a moment. "That's right…" he remembers.

Suddenly everything comes flooding back to him.

His eyes bolt open.

He looks around and finds me.

"Nami san!"

"Hey Sleeping Beauty."

"Nami san…"

"How do you feel?"

He closes his eyes to assess things. "Stiff."

"And tired." He adds "I feel drained."

"I bet. You lost a lot of blood."

"Really?"

"Mmm." I nodded. "Chopper said you could've used a transfusion

"How long have I been out?"

"Almost two weeks."

"That long?"

"Ya."

He looks up at the ceiling.

There's a silence gap.

He looks so fragile right now.

Even though he's awake and conscious he's still going to be weak and tired a bit longer.

Still I'm glad he's finally awake.

"Nami san."

"Hmm?"

"How are you? Are you ok?"

The question threw me. Though it was typical of him, worrying about me, when he's the one that was injured…

How am I? I've only been up every night worried sick for the past week and a half 'cause you went and got shot!

"Me? I'm fine."

He gives me a smile and a look that said, "bull. You can't fool me."

Looking away he says, "You've lost a lot of weight. It shows in your face."

My eyes go wide with shock I look away. I attempt to make light of the comment.

"Well of course! We've had to put up with Ussop's cooking all this time! You can hardly keep it down. You being down has been a real bother!"

My eyes look back at Sanji.

He sighs. He wants to say more but lets it go.

"I'm sorry to have been a burden on everyone."

"Damn straight you should be sorry. Everyone's had to go out of their way to take care of you."

I'm the real reason they had to go out their way. Because I couldn't function when I was worrying about you.

"I'm sorry."

Idiot. Don't apologize.

"It's not your fault. It was those stupid Marines. And those idiots. Luffy and Zoro. Having those bounties. Honestly."

"I'm sorry I made you worry so much."

Stupid Idiot! Jerk! You almost DIED! I had to sit there holding you unconscious while you coughed up blood and were bleeding to death! I almost lost you! How could you do that to me! Don't you EVER do this to me again! I'll never forgive you if you do! Never!

"Don't worry about it. It's fine really."

You're ok now. That's all that matters.

"Just don't get shot anymore."

"Just as long as you don't get shot at again."

I'm hit with a pang of guilt. I look down and away.

"No one asked you to take a bullet for me." I say in a small voice.

"True. But if I hadn't, you'd be the one incapacitated and I'd be the one sitting here worried out of my mind."

I almost cry at this. I fight not to.

Damn it. Why do you have to be so kind?

You foolish idiot. Why? Why do you love so much?

What did I ever do to deserve your undying devotion?

How did I fall so hard for him?

When did the thought of losing him become so painful?

"I' promise to be more careful." I tell him

He squeezes my hand.

I had forgotten I was still holding his.

I squeeze back.

I manage not to cry.

"Sanji?"

"Hai? Nami san."

I smile. I feel a bit better hearing that from him again.

"Do something for me?"

"Anything your precious heart desires my dear sweet Nami san."

I laugh quietly at that.

He'll be good in no time.

I feel more at ease. I turn back to look at him.

"Go back to sleep now. You still need to rest. Promise me you'll stay in bed tomorrow and don't you dare move until Chopper's come back to look at you."

He nods "Hai. Nami san."

I smile. "That's a good boy." I pat him on the cheek.

I stretch out my legs and when I feel them again stand up.

"I'll bring you some water." I tell him as I turn to leave

"Thank you Nami san."

I stop short of the door. "Sanji kun…we...you don't…"

We're closer than that now. You don't have to…

"Nami san?"

I give a heavy sigh as I put my hand on the door knob.

>"Just say what you feel for once"

"Enough with formalities already. Nami is fine…" I open the door to leave.

"Hai. Nami…" I hear as the door clicks shut.


	5. Chapter 5

Sanji was up and around late the next day.

But Chopper only allowed this if he took it easy.

"You're only aloud to cook!" ordered Chopper. "And when you aren't cooking I want you resting in bed!"

"Hai, hai." Says Sanji lighting up.

"And you should quit smoking while your at it!" continued the frantic reindeer "It's not healthy!"

"Hai, hai."

"Hey are you even listening to me!"

"Hai, Hai."

"Listen to what I'm" Chopper transforms into his big intimidating human form. "TELLING YOU DAMNIT!"

Sanji shrinks with fear and surprise. "Hai. Whatever you feel is best honorable Doctor."

"Hahaha!" Zoro laughs

"Just who do you think you're laughing at Marimo head?" Sanji now pissed and up in Zoro's face. Sparks flying between them.

I go over and poke Sanji's wound. "Down boy."

Sanji winces and melts to the floor. "Hai. Nami…"

Zoro has big smirk on his face.

I Death stare it off him.

I jab a finger into Zoro's chest and walk him backwards out of the room.

"YOU, are not to be in the same room as Sanji until he's fully recovered. I'm not going to have you aggravating him and getting himself hurt so soon after he's recovered."

Zoro looks like he's going to say some smart ass taunting remark but my death stare intensifies and I raise my clenched quaking fist.

"F-fine. Whatever. " He turns and walks off.

…….

We set sail again a few days later.

Luffy demands we find good adventure right away to make up for lost time.

With in the next week Sanji seemed to be back to his full strength.

Back to fighting with Zoro and fending Luffy away from the refrigerator.

Sprits where back up.

We deiced to have a party. Just because.

Luffy and Chopper dance around with chopsticks up their noses while Ussop sings "Captain Ussop's tale of Bravery #849".

Zoro sits back drinking while Robin is now ticking Luffy and Chopper with her flower ability.

I'm sitting back watching the whole thing.

I smile.

Things are back to normal.

"Here Nami san." Sanji comes up next to me with a tray of drinks.

He still hasn't gotten out of the habit of calling me Nami San.

He picks a drink off the tray.

"Haaai. My special 'Fruit Ice Tea blend of Reverence and Admiration' 3."

I take it and smile. "Thanks." I've put in more of and effort to thank Sanji for things now.

He gives me my drink with a smile and dashes over to Robin.

"Robin -Swan! Fruit ice tea of reverence for you!"

I laugh.

He still has his flirting habit.

"Oooh ice tea!" Luffy stretching to grab a glass.

Sanji brings his heel down onto Luffy's head. "Ladies first dumb ass!"

"Thank you, Cook san." Robin takes the glass Sanji hands her.

"Don't mention it dear Robin Swan 3."

I laugh again. What a dork.

I take a drink.

It's good and refreshing. "Oishii."

I take another sip.

This time I notice something about the drink.

It has a hint of Tangerine Liqueur.

Sanji made it himself a while ago.

Bottles of it are hidden and I'm the only one that's allowed to have any.

Sanji kun.

Things are back to normal…

But things will never be the same.

They'll never be the same between Sanji and I…

How could I let this happen?

………………

Things were different now.

There's this tension between Sanji and I now.

I try my best to ignore it.

But it's always there poking me in the back of the head.

We didn't talk about the things we felt that night in my room.

Sanji won't bring up anything even though I know he wants to.

He doesn't cross the line that had been set up long ago when he first joined us.

He was a gentleman.

No mater how much of a flirting player Sanji was, he is first and for most a gentleman.

Well, ever since the line had been established, he would peek over the line, test the boundary of the line, stand directly on the line, lean against the line and say "um you know, I'm over here… on this side of the line, soo… you know if you ever… kinda sorta wanted me to come over there… some time… just, let me know okaay "

But he'd never cross it.

He would never.

Not unless I said it was ok.

Not for fear of the consequence as one may think.

He was simply that polite.

Something taught to him by his parents I'm sure.

You don't crash a party, you wait for an invitation.

He kept his respectful distance.

Waiting for me to invite him over.

But now it was much different from how it was before.

Before he liked me but he didn't know how I felt about him.

He didn't want to screw up any chance of winning me over by crossing that line.

But now everything had changed.

My secret was out.

I could hide my feelings anymore.

Now when I saw him standing on his side of the line there was no longer that feeling of someone patiently waiting for an invitation to a party.

Now it had the air of a child watching the neighbor kids play.

Too shy to go and ask to play, but desperately wishing they'd ask him to come and join.

I couldn't keep ignoring him.

Mou! Things where fine the way they were!

He worshiped me!

He was my happy little lap dog and all I had to do was pat him on the head every once in a while!

I was perfectly fine with that!

Now it's all…

Gaaah!

Why'd things have to go and change!

That stupid idiot!

This is all his fault!

I can't just ignore him anymore and blow him off anymore.

I have to do something.

I have to do something before it gets any deeper that it already is.

He's gotten in too far.


	6. Chapter 6

Though the worrying didn't get as bad as not being able to function like it did before, it came to the point were it refused to be ignored any longer and was breaking into the point of tormenting.

I said I'd be down in my room updating our charts and working on my map and disappeared below deck.

>"Ya. Distract yourself with work. That's really going to help."

"Oh shut up."

Of course I couldn't get any work done.

I absent mindedly flipped through the log books and maps I had acquired not reading or seeing anything.

I don't know how long I'd been sitting there not doing anything.

The knock on the door startled me.

"Ya?"

"Nami san."

Sanji. Of course it would be him.

"I've brought you something to eat. Is it ok if I come in?"

No! I can't have you come in any farther. You're in too far already.

"Sure."

Sanji comes in and sets the tray down on an empty spot on my desk.

"Here you go, a sandwich and some nice warm cider. Let me know if you want more."

I knew without looking at it that the sandwich was my favorite: lettuce, tomatoes, swiss, almonds, sprouts, no mayo, light mustard with the best most thinly sliced cut of whatever meat we had fresh on hand, all the ingredients heated before being put on a hot roll he made from scratch.

I knew without tasting it, before I even smelled the aroma that the apple cider was his special blend which in mine he added a sick of cinnamon and tangerine zest.

Something with in me seemed to give way.

I had to address things now or I'd lose myself completely.

"Sanji kun."

"Hai Nami."

I flinched a bit, but I couldn't let myself be distracted.

"Why do you do these things?"

"What things?"

"Things like this?" I wave my hand in the direction of the sandwich and cider.

"Nami, I'm not sure I get what exactly you're referring to. Do you not want this? I can make you something different."

"No. It's fine…" I give a heavy sigh.

"Is there something wrong Nami?"

I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be. It's not like he can actually read what I'm thinking but…

"Sanji…I pretend I don't notice but I actually do. All these subtle little things you do for me. Special things you go out of your way to do for me and no one else."

"It's not going out of my way. It's simple for me. And they're just little things, nothing too flamboyant."

"You're being modest."

"Only a little."

He made me smile a bit at that.

Damn it. Don't do that.

"Anyway." He continues "I don't mind doing these things for you. It is very easy for me and if I minded, then I wouldn't do them."

"And that's what I'm asking Sanji. Why do you do them? Why do you do special things for me?"

"Because I like doing them. It makes me happy to do them."

"You like being a servant?"

"Yes."

I look up at him. He didn't deny it or try to say it was different in any way.

"Really?" I ask in a cynical tone.

He sighs and leans against my desk. "I'm a chef Nami. You can't be a chef and not like serving people. And if you are and you don't then you're not a chef for very long. It's not like I'm a slave. I like cooking. I like creating things with food. But that's only half of it. What's the point of having all this wonderful delicious food if there's no one to give it to, if there's no one to enjoy it? You can't eat it all. You get fat."

I look down. He made a valid point. Damn his logical reasoning.

"That still doesn't explain why you do special things for me. If it's so simple and easy for you to do then why don't you do them for everyone?"

"I really don't think Zoro would enjoy his apple cut and crafted into a swan. Luffy wouldn't notice, he'd just think it was funny shaped and only care that it was something edible. And I really doubt the others, save Robin, would care much either."

"Sanji." I'm losing my patience.

He sighs. "It's how I express myself Nami.

Everything I make for you is an expression of my feelings.

I do these things because I care about you.

I do these things because…

I do these things because I love you Nami.

And I know you know that.

It's not like I've ever hidden my feelings or affections from you."

Yes I did know this.

I know Sanji is in love with me.

But my real question is…

"Why?"

He gives a heavy sigh. "Why what?"

"Why do you love me?"

"I don't know."

I was surprised by his answer.

It wasn't the answer I expected.

"I don't know how it happened.

I thought this was the same as every other time I'd been infatuated with a girl.

I saw a pretty girl and acted like my typical dorky self.

Yes, I know I'm a dork.

I know the way I act is outrageous and off the wall…

You know, I didn't always act like this.

It's only something I started doing a few years ago.

I found that when I lavishly praised a girl and went over the top the way I do, they either saw the sincerity and were genuinely flattered or they'd think I was just messing around and being silly and thank me for cheering them up.

People passed it off. 'Oh that's just Sanji's personality' 'he's friendly towards women.' 'he's such a flirt' , 'such a clown'.

Everyone loves a clown right?

Either way I didn't get as hurt…

But that's neither here nor there."

A sigh before he went on.

"When I saw you I thought it was just the same as it always was.

Boy sees girl, boy flirts with girl; business as usual.

But now when I look back a realize when I saw you that first time it was as if someone hit me over the head.

I guess I should have known then, but I was totally oblivious.

I don't know how it went from a routine infatuation to being completely in love.

I was surprised when I realized what had happened, when I became honest with my feelings… and quit honestly I was terrified.

I didn't understand.

I was normally so careful with who I would get close to.

How much I would open up to someone.

I mean, you're the only one that knows about that picture of my family.

You're the only one that knows anything about my parents.

Not even Zeff knows anything about me from before he'd attacked that ship I was on and he was like a second father.

He might of asked about my family once but I just said the weren't around any more and he left it at that.

He wasn't one to worry about the past.

When you did find that picture I fully didn't expect or intend to tell you so much about my mother and father.

After it was all said and done I couldn't believe I had told you all of that.

About my father, about my mother, the restaurant.

Jeez Nami, you walked through all of my defenses like they weren't even there.

I don't know how it happened.

Love isn't a simple equation. 'If x is this and y is that then this'. Love is so much more abstract than that. Its feelings and sensations. It's not predictable…"

Sanji paused and gave another sigh.

"But that's not what you want to hear is it?

Why do I love you?"

He paused to think about it.

"Well.." he shrugged "We both lost our mothers when we were young." He put that out there "There's solidarity in that…it's something we have in common and it's not like a regular common interest like liking the same books or whatever. It's a special thing that you experience and when you come across another person that's has had that experience and understands your feelings…you can help but to feel a bond there.

But that can't be the only thing; I liked you before all that…

Going back to the liking to serve thing, I like serving people. I like doing things for people and being useful so why should it be so far fetched that I'd fall for a girl that orders me around?

Fuck Nami... if I didn't love you, you wouldn't be able to drive me insane the way you are now."

There was silence.

I don't think he could have said anymore even if he wanted to.

I was fighting back my tears.

Fighting back and losing.

It was impossible for me to stay sitting down.

I stood up and took a few steps away for him.

With my back to Sanji I clung to myself.

That's not fair.

That's just not fair.

You're not supposed to be the same as me.

You're not supposed to be able to understand so well.

I want to hate you.

I want to hate you so badly.

This would be so much easier if I hated you.

Why? Why did you have to make my love you?

I failed to keep my tears from flowing.

One tear escaped and it let them all escaped.

Rivers of tears flowed down my cheeks.

But I refused to let it go beyond that.

I didn't make a sound.

I fought to keep my composure.

Sanji came up behind me.

He put his hand on my shoulders.

His strong warm hands massaged the tense muscles.

His hands, strong yet gentle.

So warm. So comforting.

I let myself relax a bit.

I used him to ease my tension.

But just when I felt I had control again Sanji did the unthinkable.

Ever so slightly, he stepped over the line.

He steped over it and he did it intentionally.

His hands shifted.

His arms came around to encircle me.

To hold me.

I felt his lips on my temple.

The sweet tender kiss from my dream.

"I'm right here."

A sobbing gasp escaped from my lips, my tears continued to flow.

Bastard.

You weren't supposed to do that.

You weren't supposed to come over unless I said it was ok.

Unforgivable.

"I love you Nami."

That's no excuse.

He crossed even further.

I felt his hot breath on my ear and in the next breath there was a hot wet kiss just behind my ear lobe.

He didn't stop there.

He planted these kisses all the way down my neck.

Hot pecks of lips and tongue.

And it wasn't just his lips overstepping their bounds.

One of his hands shifted again.

It slid itself under my shirt to touch the bare skin of my stomach.

His fingers spread wide.

His hands are so big.

Nearly my entire stomach fit in his palm.

The tip of his thumb brushed the underside of my breast.

The tip of his pinky slips under the waist band of my skirt.

A shuddering gasp escapes my lips.

But that's as far as it goes.

His hand stops where it is.

Only his thumb slowly, gently rubs against my skin.

He could have me.

Right here and now.

If he wanted to he could take me.

I would give him my body.

He could push himself inside of me right now and I wouldn't do a thing to stop him.

He could have me anyway he wanted to.

Do me any way he could think up in his mind.

And I'd let him do it to me.

And I wouldn't hate him for it.

I wouldn't hate him for it.

He knew it too.

He knew he had me literally in the palm of his hand.

He knew he could cross into forbidden territory and be forgiven.

But he didn't go there.

He didn't just want my body.

He wanted more.

His lips move up to my face.

He kissed the corner of my quivering mouth.

Then he kissed away my tears.

He then rested his lips on the side of my forehead.

And there, a quite hushed voice whispered "Please."

"Please Nami.

Please.

Let me love you."

If Sanji hadn't been holding be I would have sunk to the floor.

It was more than my heart and mind could stand.

I lost control.

The dam broke and my tears came flooding in one great sobbing cry.

I couldn't cry silent tears any more.

I was sobbing now.

Crying me eyes out.

How could he?

How could he do this to me?

How could one man make me feel this way?

I cried while Sanji held me tightly in his arms.

So warm.

He was gently rocking me now.

So comforting.

So soothing.

I have to get a hold of myself.

I had to pull myself together before I lost myself completely.

I can't let this happen.

It's too much.

I feel like I'm drowning.

He's so kind.

He's just too kind.

There no way I deserve to be loved by him.

I will myself back in control.

"Sanji kun."

"Nami."

"Sanji kun…you're such a kind person…so sweet..."

Sanji stops rocking me. "Nami?"

"So considerate a thoughtful…" I continue

I feel Sanji shaking his head.

He knew what I was doing.

"No." he breathes. He was so still.

I continue "It's true you've never kept your feelings hidden from me.

I know you really care about me Sanji.

And I care about you too…but…"

"NO!" Sanji releases me and pushes away.

I nearly fall over once Sanji's support is gone.

"No!" Shaking his head "No. You can't do that."

Sanji is the one fighting back tears now.

"You can't say "I care about you _but_" ! The 'but' completely negates the previous statement." A tear flows down his cheek.

"Nami. If you care about me then don't do what I know you're thinking of doing."

"Sanji…I don't want to hurt you…" I'm crying again now.

"Then don't!

How can you expect to do what you're thinking of doing and have it not hurt me?

You can't!

So if you don't want to hurt me then don't do it."

"Sanji it's not that simple."

"Sure it is.

You don't want to do this Nami.

I know you don't.

Just listen to your heart for once.

Don't do it."

>"We don't want to do this."

Shut up! It has to be this way!

>"Why?"

Because! Because I ...

"Sanji I just don't -- "

Sanji puts his hand over my mouth. "Don't say it.

I already know…

'You don't deserve to be loved by a wonderful guy like me.'

Right?"

I'm a bit shocked. That was word for word what I was going to say.

Sanji shudders. His tears flow more intensely.

>"There. His heart is breaking. Happy now."

I said shut up.

Sanji's holding himself shaking his head.

He's mumbling to himself now.

"Why?

Why does this always happen?

Why's it always the same?

Fuck..."

"Sanji…I'm sorry...I --"

"YOU'RE ALWAYS SORRY!" he lashes out.

Naturally I'm shocked. It's the first time he's raised his voice in anger towards me.

"Every last one of you!"

In a smaller voice "You're always sorry."

I don't know what to say. I go over and put a hand on his arm.

He shrugs it off and moved away from me.

"Sanji…"

"I don't get it Nami.

I just don't understand." He'd calmed down a little but his voice was so full of sadness and a bit of bitterness.

"It wouldn't so bad if…you." He gives a sigh of frustration

"You and the others…I'd understand if you said 'I don't like guys who smoke.'

Or 'I hate guys who get into fights.'

'Guy's who go around flirting with every pretty girl are the worst…'

But…you never say that.

It's always:

'you're too nice Sanji'

'you're so sweet Sanji'

'So kind' 'so thoughtful'

'you try too hard to please me/ to make mw happy'

'you deserve someone better'

'I don't deserve you.'

All the same..." There was a short pause

"No! wait." His voice becomes extremely biter and sarcastic.

"There was one.

One who was just a little bit different." Showing the little bit gesture with his thumb and forefinger.

"She did the whole "you're so nice I don't deserve" you spiel…

But then she went on to say that she was in love with someone else.

I didn't feel so bad when she said that.

I understood.

See? That's a good reason.

You're in love with someone else;

I'm not the one you want or need.

I'm perfectly fine with that.

The only thing was…"

He gives a sad shuttering laugh.

"The only thing was… the guy she was in love with was a bastard that abused her.

He beat the shit out of her all the time and the only thing that stopped me from killing the son of a bitch was because she begged me not to."

Sanji started crying again.

Tears of sorrow and rage and misery.

"She begged me.

Sobbing, cling to my leg so I wouldn't kick his face in again, begging me not to kill him."

"Oh Sanji…"I shuddered

"I'd never hit you Nami.

No matter what you did.

No matter how angry you made me.

Even if the thought somehow managed to cross my mind, I wouldn't."

"I know.

It's your biggest weakness.

Even if a woman was tiring to kill you, you wouldn't raise a finger against her."

"A man who can bring himself to strike a woman isn't a man.

He isn't even a human.

Not even an animal.

He's a demon of the worst evil." Sanji recites the words like a mantra, like some oath that had been etched into his mind. "I can't be that guy."

"Hu?" he was confusing me.

"I'd never be like him."

"Sanji?" his eyes are wide and blank, his voice monotone.

"I'll never be like him."

Like who? Somehow I don't think he was talking about that girl's boyfriend.

"Never."

"Sanji!"

He snaps out of whatever he was thinking about.

"Are you.."

He holds up his hand and shakes his head.

He doesn't want to talk about it.

I let it go.

He looks so drained.

His eyes are tired and blood shot from crying.

His face is blotchy for the same reason.

I image my face looks the same way.

He gives a disheartening sigh.

"Damn it Nami. I thought you were different.

I really did.

I mean. You're so unlike any girl I've ever seriously gone for.

The way you look, your attitude, the way you carry yourself, just everything."

It made me want to know what kind of girls he unusually pursued but I new better than to ask right now.

He looks right at me.

I'd never seen a sadder more depressed and forlorn look on anyone.

It stabbed me like a knife my right through my heart.

"All I want is to love someone Nami.

Love someone with all of my heart and soul.

And I want to know what it feels like to be loved back just as much."

The knife in my heart just sharply twists and is violently yanked out.

That's not fair.

>"Actually I think that's more than fair…

I said SHUT UP!

Something inside of me snapped.

I had to end this.

This had gone far enough

He was too close.

He'd come in too far.

All of my barricades were surpassed.

I was completely defenseless.

I had to do something.

What could I do to dive him away?

"I just want what my parents had."

Something in my head clicked

"Your parents?"

"Ya."

I was in front of him now. I don't remember moving.

I was close to him.

My forehead was resting on his chest.

His hands gently rested on the back of my head.

I felt his cigarette case in is inner jacket pocket, running my fingers over it.

I reached in and took it out.

He let me take it.

I walked a way from him a bit. I stood over by my desk and opened the case.

I opened the secret compartment.

The beautiful happy faces smiled up at me.

I smile back.

It really was a beautiful picture.

"They look so good together…your parents. I bet they made a great couple."

"Ya they did."

I looked over at Sanji. There was hope in his eyes.

"They look so happy…"

He nods "Ya. They really were." He's hoping so much. Hoping I'd reconsider.

I look down.

I look at Sanji's mother. Such a kind and caring woman.

"I wish I could have met your mother."

"Me too."

I looked at the woman who held her child that clung to her so lovingly.

"You were such a mamas boy weren't you?"

"Maybe a little…"

"You really loved her didn't you?"

"Of course."

"And your father lover her too."

"With all of his heart."

I look one last time at the woman who gave Sanji life.

Forgive me. Forgive me for what I'm about to do to your son…

I close the case with a snap.

"Sanji?"

"Hmm?"

I look up at him.

"Your father…"

The hope in Sanji's eyes fades and turns to dread. He's shaking his head.

"Where is he?" I continue

"No." Sanji whispers. I could read what he was thinking. 'Don't ask that question'

I asked it anyway.

"What happened to your father after your mother died?"

'You asked it. I can't believe you asked it.' He looked away from me still shaking his head.

"No."

He wouldn't budge so I pushed again.

"Tell me." Said firmly

"No. No Nami. Don't go there. You don't want to go there."

"Yes I do. I want to know."

"No Nami. You don't. You really don't."

>"Is it really that terrible? I seems like it was traumatic…"

I told you to Shut. UUUUPPP!

"TELL ME!" I was an animal trapped in a corner. I lash out with teeth and fangs.

I slam the silver case down hard on my desk.

Sanji jumped. His head shot back to me. He could believe what I had just done. His eyes moved to the case under my hand. His precious treasure.

"Tell me. Sanji.

What happened to your father when the love of his life died?"

Sanji looked as if I had slapped him. His eyes are wide with shock, betrayal and suppressed rage. 'How could you do this to me?'

I hold out the case to him.

He looks at is for a second then snatches it back from me and clings to it close to his chest. His treasure was safe in his hands again.

"The thing is Nami..." He breathed every word heavily cling white knuckled to his cigarette case. He was trying to keep calm. He was tiring not to get angry.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"To know what happened to my father…I'd have to tell you what happened to my mother."

He looked at me and waited. He was giving me one final warning. One last chance for me to back down. He'd forgive me for asking if I just stopped there.

His mother…it wasn't like she died of some sickness like I thought. Something awful happened to that beautiful kind woman… something traumatic for Sanji…but he knew what had happened to my mother. How could it be worse than seeing your mother get shot in the head right before your very eyes?

The animal inside me raged and went for an artery

"What happened to her?"

He closed eyes.

His head drops.

He not only looked sad beyond all reason but disappointed.

Disappointed in me.

He never thought I'd go this far.

"Fine." He whispered. There was defeat in his voice. Not as much sadness. No anger. Just vanquished.

He walks over and pulls my chair out, flips it around to sit in it backwards.

Leaning on the back of the chair he pulls out a cigarette and lights up.

"Sit down. It's kind of a long story."

"I'd rather stand."

"Whatever."

I was surprise with his tone. Rude and uncaring. He'd never spoken to me that way before.

>"Well whaddaya expect from him. You broke his heart and now…"

You. Shutting up. Now.

He takes another drag off this cigarette and exhales slowly.

His eyes become distant.

He seems to become detached from this world.

Sanji closed his eyes and after a moment he was smiling.

He was actually smiling.

His eyes opened a bit.

He appears to be recalling some fond memory.

>"Uh oh. It's one of those stories that start out all happy but then everything goes horribly, horribly wrong…"

Oh how I wish I could just stab you in the head.

Sanji started to speak.


	7. Chapter 7

------- Sanji POV age 7

It was Saturday.

Saturday was my favorite day of the week 'cause it was the day I get to go on a date with mom.

Just me and her.

Dad wasn't allowed.

We always go on a picnic.

Dad helped me make her a special lunch.

When we where done, Dad gives me money to buy Mom flowers from the market while he packs the lunch in a basket.

When I got to the flower stand Margaret, the flower lady, smiles at me.

"Saturday again is it Sanji kun?"

"Yup!"

"What do you want for your mom this week?"

"Lilies!" I beam "Those ones! With the pink inside."

"Oh your mother loves those, doesn't she?"

"Yup! She sure does."

I take my flowers and run back to the restaurant.

Mom's waiting for me.

She's wearing a pretty yellow sundress and a white floppy hat with a big daisy on it.

"You look really pretty." I tell her.

She smiles "Why thank you."

I give her the bouquet of flowers.

"Oh Sanji kun. My favorites. You're so sweet." She bends down to kiss me on the cheek.

"Heehee."

"Ready to go?"

I nod.

"Dear! We're heading out." Mom calls to my Dad.

He comes over to us from the kitchen.

"Ok you kids have fun." He hands me the basket

"No funny business. And make sure you have her home before 10." He says sternly

"Daaad my bed times 8." It was our running joke.

"Ah. So it is. Well then I guess its ok."

Mom kisses Dad bye and we go.

Today we head down to the beach.

As we turn onto the street that leads to the beach front there's a voice that comes from behind us.

"Beautiful day isn't it?"

Mom jumps surprised by the voice.

She hadn't noticed the person.

You never do.

He just seems to appear out of no where.

Unconsciously she clings tighter to my hand.

She goes stiff for a moment.

In the next moment she relaxes and turns around with a smile.

"Yes. It is. A very beautiful day." She casually guides me behind her slightly.

I peek from around her.

It's that guy again.

Dad calls him 'creepy stalker guy.'

And he his creepy.

And he's always bugging Mom.

I don't like him.

"Where are you off to this fine day?"

That's none of his business. I'd wish he'd just go away.

"Where goin ona date! And you're not invited!"

"Sanji…that's not very nice…"

Creepy stalker guy chuckles. "A date now? Don't you think you're a little young to be dating son?"

"I'm not your son."

"Sanji, it's just an expression…we call it a 'date'. It's a special day that's just for the two of us to spend time together.

Not even my Husband is allowed to come."

"Ya! Not even Dad's allowed! I gedda have 'er all to myself."

"Hoh? How nice for you."

Mom laughs nervously. "Yes well I have to cherish this time I can spend with my son now. It'll be all too soon before he gets older and will be too embarrassed to spend time with his mother."

"Aw mom. That's not gonna happen."

Mom giggles. "Oh that's nice of you to say sweetie. But one day you're going to find a nice special girl of your own to spend the rest of your life with and you won't need me any more."

"Don't say that!"

"Oh how very touching. Well I'll leave you to your 'date' young man." He looks back to my mom. "Maybe some other time we can chat at more length. I do so enjoy chatting with you Celest."

It made me uncomfortable that he spoke to her so casually. Just who does he think he his?

"Yes some other time."

Mom turns around and pulls me by the hand.

"I don't like that guy." I tell Mom when were far away from the guy. "He's creepy. You should have Dad beat 'im up for you. He really wants to ya know. Dad doesn't like him either."

"I know Sanji. But let's not talk about that today." She smiles down at me "This is our special day so let's enjoy it ok."

Her smile calmed me down.

That was her smile that always made me everything all better.

I smile back at her. "Ok."

We go and enjoy our date.

We go to the beach and have our lunch.

I find some pretty shells for her.

We go walking along the water.

We explore the tide pools.

We find some shade and Mom reads her book while I sit in her lap and take a nap.

We walk to the pier and have dinner at our favorite sea side café.

We get ice cream on our way back home.

Saturday is the best day of the week ever.

A few days later Mom and Dad were having a "discussion".

Mom and Dad hardly argued but when they did, though they never shouted, it was always heated, long and intense.

Dad found out about 'creepy stalker guy' appearing during our date.

"I just don't understand why you didn't say anything. I told you to tell me if he ever bothered you again."

"I know dear but I really don't think it was that big a deal…He's harmless…really."

"No big deal? Harmless?

He follows you when you go shopping in the market, when you're out with your friends. I've had to ban him from the restaurant.

And I know I've seen him sneaking around here at night.

Now he's bothering you when you're out with your family.

Darling that guy just isn't normal.

Everyone in town thinks so.

He makes you uneasy, I know he does.

I'm putting a stop to this."

"And just what are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna go pound the guys face in."

"Darling, don't. You're a grown man for haven's sake.

It's not like it was when we were teenagers and you'd beat up any guy that eyed me in a way you didn't like.

What kind of example is that setting for Sanji?"

"That a man protects what is precious to him by any means necessary."

"Well there are other means besides going up to a guy and punching him out."

"I could kick him too."

Mom just gave Dad a look that said she wasn't amused.

Dad sighed. "Well I'm not gonna just stand by and do nothing.

He's gone too far.

I have a bad feeling about that guy.

I'm only looking out for you."

"I know."

"A restraining order." Dad says firmly

"What? That's a bit extreme isn't it?"

"I don't think it is."

"Dear."

"A restraining order, you not leaving home without an escort or I get to knock this guys teeth in.

You deicide."

"Alex…"

"Celest. I'm worried.

And I know Sanji is worried too.

He thinks the guy is creepy and he's only a kid.

Children have a sixth sense about things like this..."

Mom sighs "Yes I suppose you're right."

Dad took Mom into his arms and kissed her on her forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Dad's head dropped down to take my Moms lips with his.

They kiss.

Deeply and lovingly.

Hmm. Boy Dad's smooth.

I wonder if I'll ever be cool and suave like Dad is…

Dad looks over in the direction of where I'm hiding.

Ack!

"Sanji! Get back upstairs and go back to bed."

"Ah! Hai!" I scramble backward and fall over. I pick myself up and run back upstairs to my room.

……

Mom agreed on the restraining order.

Creepy stalker guy wasn't allowed to come within 50 feet of my mother or her family.

But even so, he still followed her.

He stayed his 50 feet away, but he'd just be watching her from a distance.

I thought that was even creeper than before.

Dad was going to have the distance increased to 100 feet, but the guy stopped.

We didn't see him anywhere around.

It was like that for weeks.

We all felt a bit better, but Dad refused to let the restraining order drop.

One day, like any other day. Dad took me and we went down to the fish auction to buy fish for the restaurant.

Dad had started my official chef apprenticeship this year, though I'd already learned tons of stuff by watching him and the other chefs already.

But now I'd go with him when he did errands outside the restaurant.

Mom went to do business with our suppliers about other inventory things for the restaurant like she normally did every week.

Dad and I were finished at the fish auction and met the assistant head chef and long time apprentice to my father in the food market.

Dad looked over what the assistant had pick out in terms of fruit and vegetables, explaining the different qualities to me.

After we where done we all headed back to the restaurant.

Now normally Mom would be back and be working on the flower arrangement for the entry way, and she'd greet us her usually happy smile.

"Okaeri nasai." And give my Dad his welcome back kiss while the apprentice hauled me off to the kitchen and started me on prep work.

But she wasn't back yet.

She's always back before us.

And the fact that yesterdays' arrangement was still out told us she hadn't been back yet at all.

The restaurant was shut down completely.

Everyone went out looking for her.

Once we started asking around and it got wind that my Mom was missing half the town was out looking too.

We retraced her steps.

But after a certain time no one could account for her whereabouts.

It was as if she'd disappeared into thin air.

My dad was frantic by now.

I'd never seen him like that before.

If Dad was panicked I knew things were really bad.

Then someone mentioned they remembered seeing creep stalker guy that day.

No one had seen him in weeks and now, he suddenly resurfaces the day my mother seems to vanish.

My Dad wasn't the only one that jumped to the conclusion of were my mother might have disappeared to.

It was like the part in a horror story when the angry mob storms up to the monsters castle with torches, pitchforks and shot guns.

The guy lived in a house just outside of town.

Some of us went into the house while others looked around outside and others went into the woods behind the guys house.

The place was empty.

No one was there.

And to everyone's surprise the house wasn't creepy at all.

To be perfectly honest it was a relatively nice and quant little house.

It was tidy and simply furnished with modest decoration.

The place was searched top to bottom but no one found a thing.

Some people said they saw something that looked like a shed some ways away, so people left to go check it out.

Dad told me to stay behind.

The apprentice and a few other people stayed too.

I went back inside the house to be alone.

I sat down in a corner.

"Mom where are you?

Where did you go?

Are you ok?

Did creepy stalker guy get you?

You should have let dad beat him up for you.

Mother.

I wanna see you."

I started crying.

I didn't like this.

Where was she?

Why couldn't anyone find her?

The sun had shifted and started to beam through a window.

I saw the light reflect of something on the other side of the room.

I went to over to see what it was.

It was a red glass bead.

I looked around to see where it might have come from and saw another one down the hallway.

At the end of the hallway was that guy's room. I walked in.

We had searched there already.

It was dark and the shades where drawn.

I turned on the lights

Though when I did the bulb burned out.

I sighed and was about to leave the room when I noticed something.

The light had gone out in this room but there was light coming from some place else.

I looked around and noticed there was light coming from behind the bookshelf.

I went over to it.

I pushed and pulled at it and it swung forward.

It opened like a door.

A secret room.

I was afraid to go in.

Who knew what was in there.

But I had to go see.

I had to see if Mom was there.

"Is anyone in here?"

No answer.

"Mom?" Not a sound.

I went in and was shocked at what I found.

There were pictures all over the wall.

They covered it like wall paper.

When I looked closer at them I was even more shocked and worried because they were all of my mother.

My Mom in the restaurant. In the market, at the beach, even ones in our home above the restaurant. Pictures of her sleeping. Undressing. In the bath.

I was horrified.

Next after the pictures I found a table with all kinds of stuff on it.

Stuff that belonged to my mother.

The handkerchief she lost, hair clips and scarves, hat pins, a glove, pieces of a bottle of perfume she dropped and broke.

There was a small dish on the table full of beads.

Some matched the ones I'd found.

Red ones and gold ones a few black ones and some small metal spacers.

There was a gemstone charm in there too.

An emerald.

Mom's birthstone.

My eyes went wide with shock and horror.

It was pieces of the bracelet I'd pick out for Mom for her birthday.

She had been wearing it today.

I backed away from the table.

I backed into something. There was a small bed in the corner of the room.

There was something on the bed covered with a sheet.

I grabbed the sheet.

I closed my eyes and yanked it off.

Slowly, I peeked one eye open and was petrified with distress and panic.

I wanted to look away but I couldn't.

There she was.

But I couldn't be.

It just couldn't be.

My Mother was laying there.

She wasn't moving at all.

Her eyes where wide open.

Her head was bloody and part of her face was swollen.

She had marks on her wrists and arms.

Her blouse was all torn and parts of it where completely ripped off.

Her skirt was torn too.

There was blood on it.

There was blood between her legs too.

"Mother?"

"Mother?"

"MOTHER!"

I started screaming.

Screaming and crying.

No. That wasn't my Mother.

There's no way.

Something like this could never happen to her.

Never.

She so sweet and kind and she never did anything mean to anyone.

No one would ever hurt her.

This wasn't real.

It was just a nightmare

I'd wake up.

I'd be in my room.

Mom would come in and comfort me.

She'd hold me in her arms and tell me everything was ok.

She'd smile her smile that made everything all better.

It was just a dream.

Just a dream…

------ end of Sanji POV


	8. Chapter 8

Sanji cigarette had burned down to the filter and out by then.

I had sunk to the floor by then.

Now I knew the man Sanji never wanted to be like.

He'd never be like the man who beat and violated his Mother.

My eyes wide open.

I had been crying but now there were no more tears left to cry.

I was shaking.

>"He wins. That is much worse I think."

"You wanna know what's worse Nami?" Sanji's voice was in a low whisper by now.

Oh god there was more?

"Mom had been pregnant.

Little over 4 months. "

A quivering gasp escaped my lips and I made a very small weak noise in my throat.

>"Ooh. Ya. Much worse."

"When Mom told me I was going to be a big brother I was so existed.

I'd always wanted to be a big brother Nami.

But it was hard for my mom to get pregnant.

She had had two miscarriages before me.

After the first two, Mom wanted to try one more time.

I was their miracle child.

And now she was pregnant again.

The doctor was confident this time would be successful as well.

We found out later, when they did her autopsy, that it was going to be a little girl.

I was going to have a little sister."

I feel like I was going to be sick.

>"There as trash can right there next to the desk."

Oh. Just. Stop already.

"But enough about all that Nami. You wanted to hear about my dad right?"

I looked up at Sanji and he wasn't Sanji any more.

His eyes were wide and half crazed.

He had a small twisted grin on his face.

Oh god…he's lost his mind.

I broke him.

I broke Sanji.

I pushed him and pushed him too hard and broke his mind.

What have I done?

What have I done to this beautiful kind person?

"So what happened to Dad?" his voice was playful and sarcastic.

"Well he acted very much in the same way I did.

Denial. Couldn't believe that was his beloved there.

There was lots of crying.

You can image a man's man like my father, bawling his eyes out….

And then he just got…Angry."

Sanji's eyes get wider when he says 'Angry'.

"Pissed. The fuck. Off.

I'd never seen my Dad angry before.

Annoyed, frustrated, stern, bit intimidating a few times, 'I'm putting my foot down and that's how it's gonna be' authoritive power and influence…

But never angry.

You know how Luffy gets?

When someone manages to piss him off?" Sanji gives a very eerie sort of giggle that disturbs me.

"Ho! This was much worse. Much, much worse."

Worse than Luffy when he gets angry because someone was being exploited or used or damaged his hat?

"Imagine… what would happen,

If someone crushed Luffy's hat… to bitty pieces, beyond repair,

Laughed at his dream,

Insulted Shanks,

While eating in front of him…

And then shot every last one of us in the head right before his very eyes."

A small whimper comes from my throat.

>"That's scary."

"That was the rage and fury of my father as he went to hunt down the bastard that took my mother away from us."

>"Ooh. Sucked to be that guy hu?"

"Ne. Nami?"

I'm startled.

Sanji was closer to me.

He'd moved.

I hadn't noticed that he had.

Sanji is right in front me of crouched low sitting on his heels, hands clutching his knees leaning over looking right at me.

I jump.

He's even farther gone.

His face is even more crazed.

"Do you wanna know what my father did to him?" He asks "Do ya?"

I really didn't…I knew by now it had to be something really horrible…but…

>"You did demand to know."

Shut up I know that! I asked for this.

In a small whimpering voice I ask. "What did he do?"

Another eerie laugh that made me cringe.

"Do you know how cattle are slaughtered for beef Nami?"

My hands slap over my mouth.

I knew.

I went vegetarian for a while after I found out.

I got over it but…

I can't quite look at beef the same way.

I slowly nod my head in answer to Sanji's question.

"Ho, you're such a smart girl Nami.

It was just like that.

Only…

Dad started skinning him just a little bit before he drained his all of the guy's blood out.

You know, so he'd have an extra painful and agonizing death."

I felt nauseous.

>"There's that afore mentioned trash can…"

Why? Why are you not shutting up?

>"'Cause you're not listening to me damn it!

If you'd just listen to me then I wouldn't have to nag you and we wouldn't be in this mess."

FINE! Fine I'll listen to you from now on.

I'll do anything you say.

Just stop.

Please.

>"Promise?"

I swear!

>"Anything I say? You'll do it?"

Anything.

>"Good. Pay attention to the rest of his story now."

Sanji was somewhat normal again.

Normal as in, his face was not crazed and distorted like and insane killer clown.

And also normal in the since didn't seem detached and distant anymore.

He still looked tired though.

The worst of it was over.

"Dad went to prison.

He didn't fight it.

He knew what he did was wrong and he accepted the consequences.

Plus he was too depressed to care and would have gone off into isolation anyway… so what difference did it make if it was to prison or a deserted island.

Though the case was sympathetic, the whole traumatic stress disorder, people loving my mother so much…he only ended up doing 5 years.

I went to visit him once but he wouldn't see me.

I understood.

I'd remind him too much of Mother.

So I just left a note telling him were I was now.

It was just after Zeff and I set up Barrate.

I wrote Dad all the time telling him about what was going on with me.

I told him about Zeff and almost starving to death, the pirate fighting cooks, trying to find All Blue, becoming a pirate chef for the "Man who'd become King of Pirates" who…actually is kind of a dumb ass but it fun and challenging. Heading to the Grand Line…

I told him about you too Nami.

I told him about what happened to your mom and how you had to work for the bastard that killed her.

How strong you were for that.

I could never stand to be around the shit head that killed my Mother for two seconds.

But you were doing it for the sake of your town.

That's another reason I love you Nami.

You're such a strong and noble person.

I know you don't believe so but you really are.

I have a thing for strong women.

I wrote Dad all of that.

Hundreds of letters over the years.

He only wrote me back once.

He didn't even write to tell me he got out.

I had to find out from someone else."

Sanji moves to sit in a more comfortable relaxed position.

He had moved closer to me and is leaning against my desk.

One leg is searched out while the other is close to his chest with his arm resting on his knee.

He's lit up another cigarette.

He's close enough to that when he tugs on me I only tip over and fall a few inches landing against his chest.

He's so warm.

I close my eyes and let myself sink into the comfort he's offering me.

"Do you regret it Nami?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you ever regret loving Bellmare san? Do you ever regret the time you spent with her?"

It was a rhetorical question.

Of course I didn't

"Do you think I regretted loving my Mother or any of the time I spent with her?

Do you think my Father did?"

No.

"Of course he didn't.

Ya he loved my Mother with all of his heart and soul.

She was his world.

When she was killed his world collapsed and he was sucked into a black whole of misery and despair.

He melted into a pile of goo.

He's only a walking shell of man now that half of his soul is gone.

He can't even bear the sight of his only son because he reminds him so much of the love he lost.

But you know what Nami?

It didn't end him.

He's still alive, living out his existence how ever miserable and painful it may be.

And he's recovering.

Believe it or not.

He suffered a terrible wound.

A wound that would've killed a normal man.

But it's healing.

It's going to be a vicious ugly scar but it'll heal.

You wanna know how I know this?"

"How?"

Sanji opens his cigarette case and from under the picture he pulls out a worn folded piece of paper and hands it to me.

"Only letter the old man ever wrote me."

I open it and read:

Sanji,

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am.

It's a terrible thing for a child to loose both of his parents.

I'm a terrible selfish man for abandoning you the way I have and don't deserve to be called your Father.

Though you've already forgiven me haven't you?

You told me in your letters how you understand and don't hold it against me.

You are too kind Sanji.

You are so much your Mother's son…

I have your letters.

I've read them all and treasurer them.

I'm proud of you.

You've had it hard since you lost your mother and I went away.

But you've stayed strong.

You have a dream now.

That's good.

It's good for a man to have a dream.

Keep it in your heart and don't let it go.

Anyway…getting to the point of why I'm writing you after all this time has passed.

Though I don't deserve to the honor of being your Father, I still want to pass on one piece of Fatherly advice from my grand life experience and all that…

It's the least I can do for you and will be the single most important thing I can pass onto you.

And what I have to tell you is this:

Never be afraid to fall in love.

I know you loved your mother and loosing her was painful.

You know I loved her too and you know it was just as painful for me if not 100 times worse.

It's a terrible thing to loose that which you hold most precious and dear.

No one should ever have to go through it.

But things like that happen.

Having something precious is wonderful.

Losing it is agony.

But we mustn't let is stop us from living our lives.

The road to recovering from a loss like this is long and hard and some days you just don't want to go on living.

But what's great about this sort of thing is now, you've hit rock bottom.

You can not get any lower.

Life has beat you bloody and broken and left you for dead.

But you didn't die.

You're alive.

And now that you've survived the worst you can endure anything.

I'm back home Sanji.

I'm back on Monte Island.

In our restaurant sitting at the back corner booth you, your mother and I would sit at after closing to have our family time.

Dinner, games, family discussions.

I'm here in that place we did all of those things writing you this letter telling you…

Don't be afraid to fall in Love.

Never fear love Sanji.

For love is the greatest most wonderful thing one can experience in this world.

And even if you find love a loose it and it's the most agonizing gut wrenching pain you can hardly stand and makes you beg for death…

If you survive and your life is misery, you can at least look back and say: "I was happy once."

And you'll have those happy memories for the rest of your life.

No one can take them from you.

No one.

Not ever.

Find love Sanji.

Find a girl you can love with all of your heart and soul and never let her go…

I finish the letter and fold it back up.

Sanji wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

"I love you Nami."

The tears that I though had been all used up seemed to have become replenished again.

No fair using Fatherly Wisdom.

I cry and Sanji holds me.

He wraps me in his warmth and I let my self drown in his comfort security.

After a while I find my voice again.

"You'd forgive me? I ask him

"Nami. I'd forgive you for fucking anything.

You could stab me in the heart right now, with one of my own knives and leave me bleeding and dying and I still wouldn't hate you."

"Not even a little?"

"Well I might a little upset you used one of my good knives. I mean good cooking knives you like are hard to find and are damn expensive."

I give a small laugh at this.

"Even if you forgive me, I still don't deserve you."

"Ya well, you're selfish and spoiled; since when does not deserving something ever stopped you from taking it."

>"He's got a point."

Go away. Nobody likes you.

>"I thought you were listening to me now?"

Just because I'm listening to you now doesn't mean I can piss and moan and talk back. XP

>"You're a real pain in the ass, you know that?"

Ya, so are you.

>"What does this boy see in you again? He must be masochistic."

Must be…

I sigh. "Well I hate to disappoint you Prince Charming… but there's no Princess here…just her Evil Step Sister."

Sanji looks me over and raises an eye brow then shrugs.

"Ah well. At least you're not the _Ugly_ Step Sister."

I laugh

"I know you were looking forward to this big romantic epic ending with finding the girl of your dreams…but you're just gonna have to settle for me."

"I really don't think I'm settling."

"HA!" I laugh "That's 'cause youra Chump!

Man I knew you were a sucker the first moment I laid eyes on you.

Believe me I know.

I've seen lots of suckers.

You don't know damaged goods when you see 'em."

"Now that's where you're wrong my dear sweet Nami.

True I may be a chump.

And a sucker.

But I know damaged goods when I see them.

Although damaged goods aren't as bad as one may think."

"Is that so?"

"Absolutely!

It's the least I've learned becoming a quality chef.

A Quality Chef of the Sea no less.

Sure any chef will tell you the key to great food is fresh high quality ingredients.

However! One does not always have access to the freshest, most high quality ingredients.

Especially at sea.

So a Quality Chef of the Sea must use all his knowledge and skill he possess to still create and bring forward quality and excellence using these so called 'damaged goods'."

I shift my head to look up at him. "And how, oh great Chef of the Sea, do you plan on utilizing these damaged goods?"

Sanji grins wide.

He drops his head down and captures my lips with his and draws me into a kiss, soft yet deliberate.

His tongue flicks out to brush my lips, asking for entry.

I grant it opening eagerly to him.

I savor the taste of him as he explores every inch.

Teeth, cheeks, tongue.

I stroke his tongue with mine, he strokes mine with his.

I feel as if I could climb inside of him.

Just as I'm about to loose myself completely he pulls away.

I give a needy moan.

I didn't want it to stop.

If I hadn't already been on the floor my legs would have given out and put me there after that.

>"Oh he's goooood."

Yes he is.

Sanji has a big ass satisfied grin on his face.

The one he gets when you taste something of his that's delicious beyond all reason and he knows it.

He gives the trademark remark that comes with that grin.

"_Kuso_ Umeh darou?"

"Hai." I manage to say.

He laughs and plants a kiss on my head.

"Now then. Are you gonna eat the delicious sandwich I made for you with love or are you gonna let it go to waist?"

At the mention of food my stomach answers his question.

He laughs "That's what I thought. Come on. Come up to the kitchen and I'll heat it back up for you and give you a fresh cup of cider."

"That sounds good…

Though, I think I'm in the mood for some Tangerine Liqueur."


	9. Chapter 9

So Sanji and I are a couple.

No one said anything.

Everyone understood.

There was never an official announcement.

It was hardly even implied.

It just was.

As if it had always been that way.

When I finally let go and let Sanji love me it was the easiest thing in the world to love him back.

It felt so good.

It was if happiness and joy were tangible and you could cuddle up with them like your favorite plushies or wrap yourself in them like your favorite blanket.

Who knew falling in love was so easy and felt this good.

>"Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me! I know! Heeheee. I don't wanna say I told you so…"

Then don't. Say it.

It had been a hot summery day.

We're leaving the area around one of the Summer Islands here on the Grand Line.

The sun is setting but the evening was still warm.

I'm at the back of the ship leaning on the railing watching the sun set.

The Grand Line has some of the most beautiful sunsets.

Suddenly I feel something cool against my cheek.

It felt good in the heat.

"Ahh. Sanji kun is that what I think it is?"

"Hai. Nami chan. My 'Tangerine Smoothie of Love' just for you. "

I take the cool glass in my hand and quickly suck up a whole mouthful at once.

"Ah. Nami chan. Careful…"

But it was too late.

The brain freeze had already hit.

"Ittaai"

Ah. But this was so worth it.

So good, so tangy and sweet. And now it seemed to taste even sweeter.

Once the brain freeze subsided I let out satisfied gasping sigh. "Kuso Umeeeh!"

Sanji grins and puts an arm around me to pull me into him. "Darou."

I rest my head on his chest and sip my Smoothie watching the sunset.

When I finish my drink I set down the glass and let myself sink farther into Sanji's cozy comforting security and strength.

God I love this man.

"He is sweet isn't he."

He sure is.

I love him. And he loves me.

Life is good.

But there's still one thing I'm uneasy about…

Ne…do you think I should…

>"Yes I think that would be appropriate."

"Sanji kun?"

"Hai? Nami chan."

"I know…you've already forgiven me but…I've never formally apologized."

"Oh Nami, there's no need for that now…"

"It's the least you deserve."

"Really Nami, you don't have to.

"But I want to. Plus, it'll make me feel better."

"Well, if it'll make you feel better. I'll listen to your apology."

I take a deep breath and let it out.

There was just so much.

Were do I begin?

"Just start with I'm sorry…and it'll go from there."

"I'm sorry Sanji. I'm just so sorry. I… I can't believe how utterly selfish I was.

From the moment this all started…when you…risked your life for me…I…all I could think about was myself.

You were the one that was hurt and I could only think about my pain, how I felt, my feelings.

'Don't do this to me.' 'How could you make me feel this way?' 'I'm uncomfortable' 'I can't function because of you' 'It's all your fault' …

I never once took in consideration your feelings, your pain.

You open up to me and I turn around and use your vulnerability to hurt you.

I did things to you with the intent of hurting you. I…I.."

I was crying again now.

But the warmth and strength of Sanji holding me tight let me stay focused.

"I pushed to the point of breaking you.

And then, I went and dragged your poor dead Mother into it just to inflict more pain.

That was low, even for me…I…I feel so ashamed.

I'm sorry Sanji I'm so sorry."

I cried.

And Sanji just held onto me tightly and let me cry.

I took the comfort and reassurance he offered me.

When I started to calm down Sanji spoke.

"Feel better?"

I nod into his chest

"Thank you for that Nami.

I forgive you."

He stood there a moment holding me before he asks "You want to know why I forgive you?"

"Why?"

Because you're sweet and kind and trusting?

Because you're a foolish hopeless romantic?

"Because I'm guilty of the same thing."

"Hu?" Bit shocked by that.

"I pushed you just as hard Nami.

And I was just as selfish.

All this time I've been in love with you.

You made me feel a way I'd never felt before.

I thought 'if what I felt before was love, then what's this feeling that feels 100 times better?'

Then it hit me.

What I felt before wasn't love at all.

Lust, infatuation, obsession, crazed passion… but not love.

And when I realized I'd found her.

The girl I could love with all of my heart and soul and could never let go.

You were there right in front of me…only…

There was this wall there.

Well I'll be damned if I was going to let some stupid wall stop me.

So I climbed over it.

But there was another, and another.

All these barriers…

And then at the end of those barriers was this big ginormous craggy, jagged rocky beast of a mountain.

I'd worked my ass off tearing down those barriers of yours, scaling that treacherous mountain.

Like hell I was gonna let it stop me.

And I saw the end in sight.

I saw the peek Nami.

It was right there.

All this time, I didn't know how you really felt about me.

I knew we were friends and close ones at that, but I wasn't sure whether or not you saw me more as.

I had a feeling you did.

But there was this big huge line that said 'Cross me and it's over! You fail! And all your hard work would be for not.'

So I had to sit and wait on an ledge for an opening.

And then with the incident it was there.

I knew how you felt.

So I continued up.

But by then you saw me coming.

I had taken you by surprise.

But like hell you where going to go down without a fight.

And I fought back.

I pushed back just as much as you pushed me.

You pulled out all your heavy artillery.

I didn't hold back against you.

Then it came down to one last stand.

And I was the one left standing.

I had you.

You were mine.

And there was no fucking chance I'd let you escape.

I finished you off with one final attack."

>"Wow."

Ya.

"Jezz when you put it that way I don't feel sorry at all." I tease

Sanji laughs. "I know hu?"

Then I laugh. "You really are a sneaky bastard aren't you?"

We both laugh together.

We laugh until it hurts.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"So was it worth it? All of that trial and tribulation?"

"Of course. It's everything I dreamed it would be and more."

We watch the sun set a bit more.

"I really am sorry about your Mother though." I say after a while.

"And I'm sorry I forced you to relive that horrible nightmare."

Sanji sighs "Ya…about that… I'm actually glad you did."

I look up at him surprised. "What! Really? But…it.."

Sanji shakes his head.

"After my mom died she was cremated and we had this lovely wake.

Then I took mom and spread some of her ashes at all the places we went on our dates.

The rest is in a beautiful urn that sits on the mantle of the fireplace in the restaurant.

And above the mantle is this beautiful painting of my mother Dad commissioned a while back for a birthday or anniversary or something.

And then, after that…

No one wanted to talk about it.

Everyone said that she would have wanted us to go on with our lives and not dwell on the past."

"That's all well and good." I sympathized "But you were just a little boy…"

"I know but…there was no one that would talk with me.

Dad had already been taken away and everyone was busy getting on with their lives.

They wanted to forget anything bad had happened in their quaint peaceful little town.

I couldn't stand it.

I had to get away from there it was too hard.

I went to live with my Grandfather, my Dad's Dad, for a while, before I continued my chefs apprenticeship.

But since then I hadn't talked about it.

And after a while I didn't think about it.

That time you found that picture was the first time I'd thought about it in years.

In fact it was the first time in years I'd looked at that picture.

And after that I realized I hadn't come to terms with my Mothers death.

Not talking about it or thinking about it, didn't fix things.

Sure when you forced me to talk about what happened to my Mom you reopened a big painful wound…

But it was a wound that had become infected and started festering.

And the only way to fix a wound that has been ignored and left to fester is to reopen it.

You reopen it and pour tons of disinfectant all over it.

It hurts and stings and is agony but now that's it's cleaned out it can start to heal properly.

I had all of that bottled up inside of me for years.

But I got to vent it all out.

You started out with intention of hurting me, but in spite of it all you actually helped me."

"I'm glad I managed to do something good for you for once."

Sanji turns my face up to him and captures my lips in a kiss.

Soft and sweet.

Loving and passionate.

When our lips part he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

I bury my face in his chest as he rests his cheek on my head.

My hands caress his back.

As my fingers trace the contours of his back and shoulders they come across a flaw in the otherwise smooth skin.

I pull out his shirt to gain access to his warm bare skin.

My fingers run themselves over his scar.

The one the bullet had caused.

It was right underneath the bottom corner of his shoulder blade.

The bullet had missed his spine by 3/4 of and inch.

His heart by millimeters.

I squeeze Sanji tighter.

"I was so close to losing you…"

"Oh Nami.

I wasn't going to die.

I wasn't going to die before experiencing true love.

I'd come too far.

I had found the one I could love with all my heart and the hell I was gonna let something like death keep me from you.

You were right there.

I wasn't going to abandon you.

In fact the reason I'm alive right now is mostly because of you.

I felt myself slipping way.

But I hung on because I heard your voice calling me, telling me to hang on.

I felt your warmth as you held me.

'No' I thought. 'I can't leave her behind. I won't.'

Death was there coming for me and I told him 'No! You're not taking me away from her. Not now.'

When I was out I dreamed of you.

I dreamed of your face, your smile. Your voice."

He gave a small laugh.

"I even had this one really weird dream were _I_ the princess and _you_ were the prince and I was under an enchanted sleep and you kissed me to wake me up."

I laugh nervously " 'sthat so?"

He laughs again "Ya. But then it turned into a dream where I was the prince and you were the princess and you were scolding me.

Demanding where your Royal Tangerine Smoothie of Love was."

Another uneasy laugh "That is funny…"

"Then I woke up and your where there by my side…"

Sanji was rocking me now.

And slowly the rocking turned to swaying.

And now we're dancing…

Slowly waltzing around the back deck.

"I love you Nami.

Not even death can keep my away from you.

Even if I were to die, I'd bind my sprit to you and haunt you.

I'd haunt you and never leave your side.

Always watching over you.

Waiting for you until you could join me.

And we'd cross over together."

"That's sweet in a kind of eerie sort of way." I smile

"But it makes me feel a bit better…"

A thought crosses my mind and I stop our dance.

"Nami?"

"I just remembered something."

"Hmm?"

"That one time I went to the Restaurant Celest… I remember someone saying it was haunted."

"Hu?"

"By a beautiful woman with golden hair.

One of the waiters told me the story…

At night people said that they can see her walking around upstairs in the old apartment. And in the evening she could be seen down in the restaurant some times.

The head chef leaves flowers out over night then by morning they will have been made into a beautiful arranging in the front entry way.

He went on to say on Saturdays, people have seen her around places lovers go on dates.

He said that the townspeople call her the guardian angle of lovers and if a couple sees her then their love will last forever.

And if a young girl that's unhappy with her love life sees her, then her luck in love will change and she will be sure to find the love of her life."

I'd thought that Sanji's picture looked familiar…now I remembered…Sanji's mom looked just like that woman I had seen sitting by herself in the back corner booth.

She had looked right at me, and smiled.

When I had blinked she was gone.

"Sanji kun…" I smile "Your mother is haunting Monte Island."

Sanji was lost in a far off look.

"I knew it." he breathed "That one time I went back…when I visited the old place…I knew I felt her there. I knew I'd seen her. She'd spoken to me. She told me that I was growing into a handsome young man like my father…I hadn't been dreaming…"

I went up to kiss away the tear that ran down his cheek and brush the other one away.

Sanji catches my hand and kisses my knuckles.

He smiles lovingly at me and we continue our waltz under the now glowing moonlight.

I rest my head on his chest as we sway to the symphony that plays in our heads.

Love me.

Love me Sanji and never stop.

And I'll love you back ten fold.

With all my heart and soul.

For the rest of eternity.

End

If you liked this story please read the sequel 'Love and Life' now up and being updated


	10. Translation of Random Japanese

I've been studying Japanese and watching Anime in Japanese for years so

I use random Japanese when I talk and when I write out of habit.

Here's some of the random Japanese I used in my story

Translation of Random Japanese:

Ittai – Ouch

'kasan from Okasan – Mother

Okaeri Nasai- Welcome Back

Kuso Umeh from umai

It's one of Sanji's trademark phrases.

Kuso means 'Shit' and umai means 'delicious'

Tho Kuso is the Japanese all purpose cuss word so it's meaning changes in different contexts.

So in this context it means 'Fucking delicious'

Sanji calls Zoro 'Marimo' head- I looked up Marimo in my Japanese english dictionary and found out that Marimo is a round green alge XD very appropreate for Zoro I think

Um...if there's any other Japanese words I missed and didn't traclate, let me know


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